Freedom

Janis Joplin sang about freedom in her song Bobby Mcgee. 

"Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose
Nothin', don't mean nothin' hon' if it ain't free, no no "

I was there.  I had the most freedom I had ever experienced in my adult life.  I raised my kids, my husband is gone 90% of the time.  I had no house, no bills, a nice chunk of change in the bank.  I was fucking FREE!  I could do any single thing I wanted. 

Guess what I did? 

I re-shackled myself right down to the god damned cable bill.

Why?  I don't know, I ask myself this almost daily.  I'm pretty sure fear had almost everything to do with it.  Fear of trying something new.  Fear of tackling all this wide-openess all by myself.  Now I have all the THINGS I always wanted.  Hey, I have a hot tub. I even bought a freaking palm tree.  Woohoo, yeah, but I still have that empty place in my soul.  I want freedom yet I bought a new puppy.  Talk about shackles.  She is fucking adorable though.

I've never allowed myself to grow roots, I'm not close to my family, I keep my friends at an arms length.  Hell, Jason leaves for a month and I'm fine with that, kinda.  Yet I feel so alone sometimes.  No, most times.  I just don't quite fit.  Maybe I just don't want to fit because then I can't dream and imagine something different, I'd just be living it.  That foriegn thing called contentment.  Or maybe it's the roots I've needed all along.

 My dreaming tree.

My dreaming tree.

Artist, dreamer, lover of life. Former gym owner redefining me.