Janis Joplin sang about freedom in her song Bobby Mcgee.
"Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose
Nothin', don't mean nothin' hon' if it ain't free, no no "
I was there. I had the most freedom I had ever experienced in my adult life. I raised my kids, my husband is gone 90% of the time. I had no house, no bills, a nice chunk of change in the bank. I was fucking FREE! I could do any single thing I wanted.
Guess what I did?
I re-shackled myself right down to the god damned cable bill.
Why? I don't know, I ask myself this almost daily. I'm pretty sure fear had almost everything to do with it. Fear of trying something new. Fear of tackling all this wide-openess all by myself. Now I have all the THINGS I always wanted. Hey, I have a hot tub. I even bought a freaking palm tree. Woohoo, yeah, but I still have that empty place in my soul. I want freedom yet I bought a new puppy. Talk about shackles. She is fucking adorable though.
I've never allowed myself to grow roots, I'm not close to my family, I keep my friends at an arms length. Hell, Jason leaves for a month and I'm fine with that, kinda. Yet I feel so alone sometimes. No, most times. I just don't quite fit. Maybe I just don't want to fit because then I can't dream and imagine something different, I'd just be living it. That foriegn thing called contentment. Or maybe it's the roots I've needed all along.